Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Confusedus says: "Getting old is gradually losing four things. First sight, then hearing, memory, and... I... can't recall the last one."
Thursday, December 15, 2011
If i'm not Abel to do something, does that mean I Cain do it?
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Now, smart man who caught the landing gear, how are ya gonna get it out of your truck bed?
Monday, December 5, 2011
If actions speak louder than words, why is the pen mightier than the sword? The written word conquers all.
The process of maturity is most simply defined as learning to keep your mouth shut and your sleeves uprolled.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
What do you get at a Buddha look-alike gathering? Conventional wisdom.
Monday, November 28, 2011
After surveying various female types, I've come to the conclusion that, for a caucasian male, I'm actually quite fly.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Jeopardy = Semi-Pro Quiz Bowl/Scholars Bowl. Maybe that's why I dominate.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
New idea: Where's Waldo Black Friday edition. Anyone game?
Beanie = toboggan = skull cap = overweight or really tall yarmulke.
It's amazing how well of a disguise a beanie is in a crowd.
Don't scare Lebron James away, especially in the 4th quarter. He'll become a running cho--I mean joke.
If your pet's name is prefixed with Mr. or Mrs, you may be too attached. Especially if it it's a cat or small dog.
Zurg is mentioned well before Buzz is. #strangeobservations
What do you call a terrible actor who competes in marathons? a running joke.
What do you call a clown being chased by dogs? a running joke.
What do you call a comedian wanted by the police? a running joke.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Build a massive creation out of plastic bricks wherever you go. Always leave a Lego sea.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
"Confusedus, how did you become so well-rounded?" "My mother's cooking."
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Uh oh. I just compared Herman Cain to Hitler. Will I get fired from ESPN now?
Nine! Nine! Nine! "oh yes yes yes." - Herman Cain
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Also, dear Kohl's, I refuse to take fashion advice from someone who dances on Fiats for a living. Sincerely, JLo is not in.
If you can build a car with 125 years of experience, can you at least build one to last that long?
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Face it. Bella and Edward were made for each other. They're both terrible actors. Sharkboy, on the other hand, was a sorta watchable movie.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Confusedus is Mr. Miagi's cousin and the Most Interesting Man in the World's college roommate.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
It's gotta be a great conversation when you can honestly use "I'm Batman" as a comeback.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Nobody actually tweets about using the restroom. doing the laundry is in now.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Cant live for the past or the not here yet. Can't plan forever or forget to plan. Live now with next in your sights and gone on your mind.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
You should probably stop at stop signs if you drive a smart fortwo. #smh
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Flattery may get you nowhere, but a doctorate in psychology can get you anywhere.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Deep question: why are there two british judges on AMERICA's got talent? -wesley.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Confusedus is smarter than i thought. Hydrophobia is rabies. Not aquaphobia. Just don't tell him I said that.
Told Confusedus "whatever floats your boat" once. Proceeded to recieve a lecture on aquaphobia. I hope he realizes that's a name for rabies.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Neither a lender nor a borrower be. Always pay cash up front. -Confusedus
Friday, September 2, 2011
Dont sweat petty things... or pet sweaty things. -Woody Paige.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
I have two mantras in life: no regrets, and free food is always a perrogative.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
When life gives you speedbumps, turn around. Drive a couple hundred yards off, turn back around, and floor it.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Ooh, deep thought. We all wait for the fireworks to start at some point.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
I'm thinking... death by chocolate wouldn't be such a bad way to go out.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Gimme 2 minutes with a Machete, and I can fix anything.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Kidney stone, Lord Voldemort... they all pass at some point. -Confusedus
Monday, May 30, 2011
Confusedus says, "the family that works out together, grows stronger together."
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Famous last words: "Bet I can hit that fuzzy mound from here..."
Saturday, May 21, 2011
First thing I've come to realize: AT&T's network still sucks. #tweetsfromtheapocalypse
Friday, May 20, 2011
May 20th begins the greatest week of the year: birthdays, graduations, and memorial day sales.
"You won't get rid of me that quickly." --quote of the day
Monday, May 16, 2011
If at first you don't succeed, leave the fire going. It'll burn out on its own.
I would rather be fat and happy than skinny and angry. Not 3000-lb. man fat, but chubby.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Looking at a bottle of shampoo... i guarantee 80% of these ingredients aren't even on the periodic table.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
If the mist becomes whatever thought you're afraid of, why not think "I'm afraid of ducks?" or "the color yellow?" -Confusedus on Narnia
You can't be what you aren't already. -Confusedus
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
92.3% of all statistics are made up. the other 8.7 are completely wrong.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
I'm so ADD, my stream-of-consciousness autobiography reads like a thesaurus.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Another day... another cheescake. bit.ly/Confusedus
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Confusedus says "if ignorance was bliss, no one would be unhappy."
Friday, March 25, 2011
The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma... "carton of milk falls over and spills out."
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Bass sweater vest: $58
After discounts: $20
Knowing you got what you paid for: priceless
After discounts: $20
Knowing you got what you paid for: priceless
Monday, February 14, 2011
a wise man once said, "ain't no rest for the wicked, money don't grow on trees."
Saturday, January 8, 2011
nothing is what it appears to be. what looks like ketchup could be hot sauce. unless it specifically says ketchup.
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