Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Confusedus says: "Getting old is gradually losing four things. First sight, then hearing, memory, and... I... can't recall the last one."

Thursday, December 15, 2011

If i'm not Abel to do something, does that mean I Cain do it?

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Now, smart man who caught the landing gear, how are ya gonna get it out of your truck bed?

Monday, December 5, 2011

If actions speak louder than words, why is the pen mightier than the sword? The written word conquers all.
The process of maturity is most simply defined as learning to keep your mouth shut and your sleeves uprolled.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

What do you get at a Buddha look-alike gathering? Conventional wisdom.

Monday, November 28, 2011

After surveying various female types, I've come to the conclusion that, for a caucasian male, I'm actually quite fly.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Jeopardy = Semi-Pro Quiz Bowl/Scholars Bowl. Maybe that's why I dominate.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

New idea: Where's Waldo Black Friday edition. Anyone game?
Beanie = toboggan = skull cap = overweight or really tall yarmulke.
It's amazing how well of a disguise a beanie is in a crowd.
Don't scare Lebron James away, especially in the 4th quarter. He'll become a running cho--I mean joke.
If your pet's name is prefixed with Mr. or Mrs, you may be too attached. Especially if it it's a cat or small dog.
Zurg is mentioned well before Buzz is. #strangeobservations
What do you call a terrible actor who competes in marathons? a running joke.
What do you call a clown being chased by dogs? a running joke.
What do you call a comedian wanted by the police? a running joke.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Roy Kinnear was a supporting comedic genius.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Build a massive creation out of plastic bricks wherever you go. Always leave a Lego sea.
Nobodies have it all figured out.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

"Confusedus, how did you become so well-rounded?" "My mother's cooking."

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Uh oh. I just compared Herman Cain to Hitler. Will I get fired from ESPN now?
Nine! Nine! Nine! "oh yes yes yes." - Herman Cain

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Also, dear Kohl's, I refuse to take fashion advice from someone who dances on Fiats for a living. Sincerely, JLo is not in.
If you can build a car with 125 years of experience, can you at least build one to last that long?

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Face it. Bella and Edward were made for each other. They're both terrible actors. Sharkboy, on the other hand, was a sorta watchable movie.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Confusedus is Mr. Miagi's cousin and the Most Interesting Man in the World's college roommate.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Magnets stick better than velcro.
It's gotta be a great conversation when you can honestly use "I'm Batman" as a comeback.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Nobody actually tweets about using the restroom. doing the laundry is in now.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Cant live for the past or the not here yet. Can't plan forever or forget to plan. Live now with next in your sights and gone on your mind.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

You should probably stop at stop signs if you drive a smart fortwo. #smh

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Flattery may get you nowhere, but a doctorate in psychology can get you anywhere.

Monday, September 5, 2011

And isn't Howie Mandel Canadian?
Deep question: why are there two british judges on AMERICA's got talent? -wesley.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Confusedus is smarter than i thought. Hydrophobia is rabies. Not aquaphobia. Just don't tell him I said that.
Told Confusedus "whatever floats your boat" once. Proceeded to recieve a lecture on aquaphobia. I hope he realizes that's a name for rabies.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Neither a lender nor a borrower be. Always pay cash up front. -Confusedus

Friday, September 2, 2011

Dont sweat petty things... or pet sweaty things. -Woody Paige.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Sunday, August 21, 2011

If you ain't gonna cook, stay outta the kitchen.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

I have two mantras in life: no regrets, and free food is always a perrogative.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

When life gives you speedbumps, turn around. Drive a couple hundred yards off, turn back around, and floor it.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Ooh, deep thought. We all wait for the fireworks to start at some point.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

I'm thinking... death by chocolate wouldn't be such a bad way to go out.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Gimme 2 minutes with a Machete, and I can fix anything.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Kidney stone, Lord Voldemort... they all pass at some point. -Confusedus

Monday, May 30, 2011

Confusedus says, "the family that works out together, grows stronger together."

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Famous last words: "Bet I can hit that fuzzy mound from here..."

Saturday, May 21, 2011

First thing I've come to realize: AT&T's network still sucks. #tweetsfromtheapocalypse

Friday, May 20, 2011

May 20th begins the greatest week of the year: birthdays, graduations, and memorial day sales.
"You won't get rid of me that quickly." --quote of the day

Monday, May 16, 2011

If at first you don't succeed, leave the fire going. It'll burn out on its own.
I would rather be fat and happy than skinny and angry. Not 3000-lb. man fat, but chubby.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Looking at a bottle of shampoo... i guarantee 80% of these ingredients aren't even on the periodic table.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

If the mist becomes whatever thought you're afraid of, why not think "I'm afraid of ducks?" or "the color yellow?" -Confusedus on Narnia
You can't be what you aren't already. -Confusedus

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

92.3% of all statistics are made up. the other 8.7 are completely wrong.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

I'm so ADD, my stream-of-consciousness autobiography reads like a thesaurus.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Confusedus says "if ignorance was bliss, no one would be unhappy."

Friday, March 25, 2011

The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma... "carton of milk falls over and spills out."

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Bass sweater vest: $58
After discounts: $20
Knowing you got what you paid for: priceless

Monday, February 14, 2011

a wise man once said, "ain't no rest for the wicked, money don't grow on trees."

Saturday, January 8, 2011

nothing is what it appears to be. what looks like ketchup could be hot sauce. unless it specifically says ketchup.