Confusedus says: "Getting old is gradually losing four things. First sight, then hearing, memory, and... I... can't recall the last one."

If i'm not Abel to do something, does that mean I Cain do it?

Now, smart man who caught the landing gear, how are ya gonna get it out of your truck bed?

If actions speak louder than words, why is the pen mightier than the sword? The written word conquers all.

The process of maturity is most simply defined as learning to keep your mouth shut and your sleeves uprolled.

What do you get at a Buddha look-alike gathering? Conventional wisdom.

After surveying various female types, I've come to the conclusion that, for a caucasian male, I'm actually quite fly.

Jeopardy = Semi-Pro Quiz Bowl/Scholars Bowl. Maybe that's why I dominate.

New idea: Where's Waldo Black Friday edition. Anyone game?

Beanie = toboggan = skull cap = overweight or really tall yarmulke.

It's amazing how well of a disguise a beanie is in a crowd.

Don't scare Lebron James away, especially in the 4th quarter. He'll become a running cho--I mean joke.

If your pet's name is prefixed with Mr. or Mrs, you may be too attached. Especially if it it's a cat or small dog.

Zurg is mentioned well before Buzz is. #strangeobservations

What do you call a terrible actor who competes in marathons? a running joke.

What do you call a clown being chased by dogs? a running joke.

What do you call a comedian wanted by the police? a running joke.

Roy Kinnear was a supporting comedic genius.

Build a massive creation out of plastic bricks wherever you go. Always leave a Lego sea.

Nobodies have it all figured out.

"Confusedus, how did you become so well-rounded?" "My mother's cooking."

Uh oh. I just compared Herman Cain to Hitler. Will I get fired from ESPN now?

Nine! Nine! Nine! "oh yes yes yes." - Herman Cain

Also, dear Kohl's, I refuse to take fashion advice from someone who dances on Fiats for a living. Sincerely, JLo is not in.

If you can build a car with 125 years of experience, can you at least build one to last that long?

Face it. Bella and Edward were made for each other. They're both terrible actors. Sharkboy, on the other hand, was a sorta watchable movie.

Confusedus is Mr. Miagi's cousin and the Most Interesting Man in the World's college roommate.

Magnets stick better than velcro.

It's gotta be a great conversation when you can honestly use "I'm Batman" as a comeback.

Nobody actually tweets about using the restroom. doing the laundry is in now.

Cant live for the past or the not here yet. Can't plan forever or forget to plan. Live now with next in your sights and gone on your mind.

You should probably stop at stop signs if you drive a smart fortwo. #smh

Flattery may get you nowhere, but a doctorate in psychology can get you anywhere.

And isn't Howie Mandel Canadian?

Deep question: why are there two british judges on AMERICA's got talent? -wesley.

Confusedus is smarter than i thought. Hydrophobia is rabies. Not aquaphobia. Just don't tell him I said that.

Told Confusedus "whatever floats your boat" once. Proceeded to recieve a lecture on aquaphobia. I hope he realizes that's a name for rabies.

Neither a lender nor a borrower be. Always pay cash up front. -Confusedus

Dont sweat petty things... or pet sweaty things. -Woody Paige.

Never let no one blame you.

If you ain't gonna cook, stay outta the kitchen.

I have two mantras in life: no regrets, and free food is always a perrogative.

When life gives you speedbumps, turn around. Drive a couple hundred yards off, turn back around, and floor it.

Ooh, deep thought. We all wait for the fireworks to start at some point.

I'm thinking... death by chocolate wouldn't be such a bad way to go out.

Gimme 2 minutes with a Machete, and I can fix anything.

Kidney stone, Lord Voldemort... they all pass at some point. -Confusedus

Confusedus says, "the family that works out together, grows stronger together."

Famous last words: "Bet I can hit that fuzzy mound from here..."

First thing I've come to realize: AT&T's network still sucks. #tweetsfromtheapocalypse

May 20th begins the greatest week of the year: birthdays, graduations, and memorial day sales.

"You won't get rid of me that quickly." --quote of the day

If at first you don't succeed, leave the fire going. It'll burn out on its own.

I would rather be fat and happy than skinny and angry. Not 3000-lb. man fat, but chubby.

Looking at a bottle of shampoo... i guarantee 80% of these ingredients aren't even on the periodic table.

If the mist becomes whatever thought you're afraid of, why not think "I'm afraid of ducks?" or "the color yellow?" -Confusedus on Narnia

You can't be what you aren't already. -Confusedus

92.3% of all statistics are made up. the other 8.7 are completely wrong.

I'm so ADD, my stream-of-consciousness autobiography reads like a thesaurus.

Another day... another cheescake. bit.ly/Confusedus

Confusedus says "if ignorance was bliss, no one would be unhappy."

The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma... "carton of milk falls over and spills out."

Bass sweater vest: $58
After discounts: $20
Knowing you got what you paid for: priceless

a wise man once said, "ain't no rest for the wicked, money don't grow on trees."

nothing is what it appears to be. what looks like ketchup could be hot sauce. unless it specifically says ketchup.