Monday, October 15, 2012

One man's ruined fun is another's joyful game.

Friday, September 14, 2012

"What if UFOs are actually time machines?"
Confusedus: "They are."

Monday, August 6, 2012

Chuck Norris once punched a man in the back of the face. That's why wisdom teeth hurt so bad.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Married couples have a 50% divorce rate. Unmarried couples have a 0% divorce rate. -Confusedus

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Wigger is the term for white people who try (and fail) to be ghetto. Swag is the term for boys who try to be men.
-Confusedus's only comment on swag.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Whenever I hear complaining, I hear "lower your standards."

Monday, July 2, 2012

Forget men. A good pen is hard to find.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

What's the name for when you can't remember specific words?

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Confusedus while watching The Vow: "Mother Nature must hate Channing Tater(Tatum) characters."

Saturday, June 9, 2012

I'm not crazy.
Only crazy people say this.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Coupon.
Is it Q-pon or Koo-pon?

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Is it ironic that "Too many times" is a cliche? -Confusedus

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

The corniest joke ever.

What's yellow and grows in a field?
Corn.

Monday, April 30, 2012

Three words that say it all:
There's this girl.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

I want to be able to walk to some part of the world I've never been to, point to something, anything, and be able to say "I did that."

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

I'm kinda jealous of doomsday preppers. They have more fervor, more zeal, than many Christians. Including myself.
Rarely do men call upon God but in their time of need.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Happy April, Fools!
Happy April Fools!
Punctuation matters.

Friday, March 30, 2012

I like you so much I want you to find out what seagrass smells like.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Blame it on the al-al-allocated lack of relaxation. Get it? Because I didn't get much sleep? Yeah...

Monday, March 19, 2012

Ok. the blind black guy with perfect white teeth needs to practice better oral hygiene. #hmm...
A picture = 1000 words. 60 seconds/minutes and minutes/hour. 120 minute film = 432 million words. take that, The Artist.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Women: "moral support." = men: "wingmen." True story.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Quote of the Day: The thing is, I'm trying to stretch four fantastic names into this without you seeing it. Uhh... Flame on!

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Risk must really mean $14.95 plus shipping and handling. So, yeah. I'll take a risk. and a nickel.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

"We'll see" is the polite way of saying "Not gonna happen if I can help it." -Confusedus
Is there an insurance discount for being an IIHS top safety pick? How about J.D. Power and Associates'? Otherwise, what's the point?

Friday, March 9, 2012

I think Confusedus just burned me... sorta.
Confusedus says, "Act your age, not your IQ. Oh wait. Never mind, your age is higher."

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

I prefer my revenge fresh out of the oven. That way, it tastes like foot. Serve with crow. -Confusedus

Monday, February 20, 2012

Cookie theme song for 2012: Cookie Rock Album. "Everyday I'm crumblin..."
Line of the Day: "Where are all the nice guys at?"
"The Friend Zone..."

Saturday, February 18, 2012

That moment when you've tried everything, including the State Farm jingle.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

The difference between idiocy and profundity is public opinion.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Why can't anyone in the background have a moment "alone in the crowd?" Stars and main characters are such scene hogs.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

You don't need a scuba tank for a mud puddle.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Some sailors got in trouble for anchoring too near to a riverside art gallery or painted doors.
One does not simply moor next to DoorWalk.

Monday, February 6, 2012

The more I look at society in general, the less I blame Darwin for the whole "monkey to man" thing. I can see how he thinks that.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

I can't watch that show "I Dream of Jeannie." It gives me nightmares.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

When in doubt, use an Indian accent. Then, it's at least funnier.

Friday, February 3, 2012

If you lie with dogs, odds are you probably are a dog. Fetch, stupid.

Monday, January 30, 2012

The Chosen One is never one of our choosing.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

So Storage Wars is not fake. They don't plant items, they just edit out the boring lockers. So, it's fake.
Scared to tell wes, mom, and dad that they plant objects on Storage Wars. It'd be like telling them their psychic is fake.
Whenever I see someone type "got dam" I say which one?
If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the sign of an empty desk?
Anonymity is no excuse for stupidity.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

What causes me to think, makes me stronger. Should something not kill me, I'm pretty stinkin' lucky.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

The Long-Snapper is the Anaestheiologist of football.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

I've come to the conclusion that I have Einstein hair.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

The thing about "the truth will set you free" is that it's a painful process. The truth hurts.
Do to others as you would have them do to you. Do it to them INSTEAD of yourself.
Exploitation is the most sinful act you can commit; it is the complete opposite of the second greatest commandment.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Sea level is a measure of height, not a measure of water level.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Chivalry isn't dead. I was able to put it on life support.