Monday, October 15, 2012
Friday, September 14, 2012
"What if UFOs are actually time machines?"
Confusedus: "They are."
Confusedus: "They are."
Monday, August 6, 2012
Chuck Norris once punched a man in the back of the face. That's why wisdom teeth hurt so bad.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Married couples have a 50% divorce rate. Unmarried couples have a 0% divorce rate. -Confusedus
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Wigger is the term for white people who try (and fail) to be ghetto. Swag is the term for boys who try to be men.
-Confusedus's only comment on swag.
-Confusedus's only comment on swag.
Monday, July 16, 2012
Whenever I hear complaining, I hear "lower your standards."
Monday, July 2, 2012
Sunday, June 24, 2012
What's the name for when you can't remember specific words?
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Confusedus while watching The Vow: "Mother Nature must hate Channing Tater(Tatum) characters."
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Is it ironic that "Too many times" is a cliche? -Confusedus
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
The corniest joke ever.
What's yellow and grows in a field?
Corn.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Saturday, April 14, 2012
I want to be able to walk to some part of the world I've never been to, point to something, anything, and be able to say "I did that."
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
I'm kinda jealous of doomsday preppers. They have more fervor, more zeal, than many Christians. Including myself.
Rarely do men call upon God but in their time of need.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Happy April, Fools!
Happy April Fools!
Punctuation matters.
Happy April Fools!
Punctuation matters.
Friday, March 30, 2012
I like you so much I want you to find out what seagrass smells like.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Blame it on the al-al-allocated lack of relaxation. Get it? Because I didn't get much sleep? Yeah...
Monday, March 19, 2012
Ok. the blind black guy with perfect white teeth needs to practice better oral hygiene. #hmm...
A picture = 1000 words. 60 seconds/minutes and minutes/hour. 120 minute film = 432 million words. take that, The Artist.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Women: "moral support." = men: "wingmen." True story.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Quote of the Day: The thing is, I'm trying to stretch four fantastic names into this without you seeing it. Uhh... Flame on!
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Risk must really mean $14.95 plus shipping and handling. So, yeah. I'll take a risk. and a nickel.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
"We'll see" is the polite way of saying "Not gonna happen if I can help it." -Confusedus
Is there an insurance discount for being an IIHS top safety pick? How about J.D. Power and Associates'? Otherwise, what's the point?
Friday, March 9, 2012
Confusedus says, "Act your age, not your IQ. Oh wait. Never mind, your age is higher."
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
I prefer my revenge fresh out of the oven. That way, it tastes like foot. Serve with crow. -Confusedus
Monday, February 20, 2012
Cookie theme song for 2012: Cookie Rock Album. "Everyday I'm crumblin..."
Line of the Day: "Where are all the nice guys at?"
"The Friend Zone..."
"The Friend Zone..."
Saturday, February 18, 2012
That moment when you've tried everything, including the State Farm jingle.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
The difference between idiocy and profundity is public opinion.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Why can't anyone in the background have a moment "alone in the crowd?" Stars and main characters are such scene hogs.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Some sailors got in trouble for anchoring too near to a riverside art gallery or painted doors.
One does not simply moor next to DoorWalk.
One does not simply moor next to DoorWalk.
Monday, February 6, 2012
The more I look at society in general, the less I blame Darwin for the whole "monkey to man" thing. I can see how he thinks that.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
I can't watch that show "I Dream of Jeannie." It gives me nightmares.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
When in doubt, use an Indian accent. Then, it's at least funnier.
Friday, February 3, 2012
If you lie with dogs, odds are you probably are a dog. Fetch, stupid.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Saturday, January 28, 2012
So Storage Wars is not fake. They don't plant items, they just edit out the boring lockers. So, it's fake.
Scared to tell wes, mom, and dad that they plant objects on Storage Wars. It'd be like telling them their psychic is fake.
Whenever I see someone type "got dam" I say which one?
If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the sign of an empty desk?
Sunday, January 22, 2012
What causes me to think, makes me stronger. Should something not kill me, I'm pretty stinkin' lucky.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
The Long-Snapper is the Anaestheiologist of football.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
I've come to the conclusion that I have Einstein hair.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
The thing about "the truth will set you free" is that it's a painful process. The truth hurts.
Do to others as you would have them do to you. Do it to them INSTEAD of yourself.
Exploitation is the most sinful act you can commit; it is the complete opposite of the second greatest commandment.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Sea level is a measure of height, not a measure of water level.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Chivalry isn't dead. I was able to put it on life support.
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